I’m learning (again) the power of seasons. Things happen slowly and then all at once. I must be consistent and faithful in the “slowly” because that work is essential for the “all at once” to emerge. I am reminded of how my creative life tends to work; I ensure the Big Picture is very clear, then I duck down into the minutia and move inches each day. I don’t run a mile on my Big Ideas every day. I am slowly, then all at once. It can look like a magic trick sometimes from the outside because no one sees the inches each day.
What’s the worst that can happen? I’m labeled a Dreamer? Isn’t that the goal anyway?
On this particular Big Idea, I’m reminded that imperceptible movement is still movement. The size of the idea doesn’t mean the process works differently. I am also reminded that I usually have a few moments that require wild bravery. I go into another headspace and I don’t care if I embarrass myself. I make the call, I get on a plane, I send the email. What’s the worst that can happen? I’m labeled a Dreamer? Isn’t that the goal anyway? Shoring myself up to be at the bottom of a new skill set’s arc is exhausting, but I always find I have to do that to break new ground on an idea. And I feel a fair amount of inoculation from embarrassment because I’ve embarrassed myself so many times before it just seems like a necessary part of the process.
I’m reminded that the people involved are just as important as the idea itself. In fact, the idea is worthless if not fleshed out by the right, inspired people. It’s like match-making, or perhaps like directing. The best directors I know simply have a gift for placing the right people in a room and then allowing their alchemy to create a new potion.
I’m reminded that the people involved are just as important as the idea itself.
In the process of dream cultivation, my theology seems to be taking a full-circle journey over the past year or so. This is a wildly over simplified explanation, but I’m grappling with human agency and free will in the midst of understanding God’s will. What does Sovereign mean? How much of my understanding of God’s Sovereignty is an excuse to make myself feel less pain? How much of my own choices and their consequences lie at the feet of my own agency or lack thereof? Is Sovereignty often manipulated into a function of humans shielding themselves from harsh realities? Thereby lessening our responsibility? In short, does God get blame and / or credit when we simply come up against our frailty?
I want to look at myself fully and not shy away from difficult mid-life realizations. I want to catch the faulty ways I have come to believe God functions that are really just masks for me excusing my behavior. Is this hubris? Is this doubt? Is this sanity? I don’t know. I remain in communication with my community–husband, friends, mentors and the like–about it.
How much spiritual jargon do I use to protect myself from perceived failure?
Pertaining to this dream, I think my current understanding of Sovereignty as a concept could potentially lead me to say, “Well, the dream didn’t come to fruition. I guess God didn’t want it to happen. It wasn’t His Sovereign will.” That could be true. That could also be an excuse to cover my laziness or my lack of planning. In essence, how much spiritual jargon do I use to protect myself from perceived failure?
And yet, I am surprised at how easily I have been able to say things like, “This is a 50 million dollar idea.” I don’t flinch. Why is that? I have been surprised by the realization that I am inside of a mindset I previously only saw from a distance. Perhaps it’s access to a better understanding of how class and money work in this country? It’s also understanding the human desire to be affiliated with meaning and that money is less of a commodity than a purpose. This emboldens and flips the power dynamic going into conversations aka “So you have money? So what. Do you have Meaning?”
Elizabeth Davis is an actor, playwright, and musician and one of eight Dream Pod Members in Goldenwood’s 2022 Dream Forum. This reflection is part of Goldenwood’s #InsidetheDreamPod series.
About Elizabeth’s dream: Real estate is on sale in the theater district of Manhattan. Who will get it? Who will win the race of property acquisition to decide if newly vacated space in the theater district will go to culture makers OR to real estate developers who see NYC only as a place to make money? As a life-long theatre maker passionate about the fusion of great art, gracious hospitality and stewardship, I see the next decade of my life including shepherding the creation of new performance spaces in Midtown. Let’s build a world class table of redemptive storytelling and alter the course of how theatre is made in New York City.