I was excited to be part of Goldenwood’s Dream Forum when I was accepted. Maybe things will begin to turn I thought. Yet in the past few months, I realized the dream that I believed that I have received from God isn’t coming to pass in the foreseeable future. After 3 years of working on it full time without pay, I feel stuck and need to find a job to deal with expenses after burning through my savings. I am confused, angry, and frustrated.
If there weren’t encouragements and confirmations (signs and wonders) in the past 3 years, I would not have spent that much time working on a startup by myself that probably has 99% chance of failing. After praying for team members to join and investors to fund the startup for years, they still have not shown up. While there are plenty of explanations in the natural, I trusted that God would provide and believed God can make ways in the desert and waited. Is this faith or just foolishness? I thought the Bible says Psalm 25:3 “Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.” Isaiah 49:23 “Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed.” Let’s just say that my experience of trusting God has moments of surprises, but it is also full of disappointments.
God gave me Psalm 23 three times and I don’t know if the current situation is His leading or not, as I am as lost as I can be. The hope of His deliverance has turned into despair as He failed to show up to help after years of waiting. Prayers and fasting seem to have gone nowhere. All the goodness of God in the Bible seems to me a bunch of empty promises that He doesn’t keep. King David who wrote Psalm 91 talking about protection and deliverance had to act insane in order to escape his enemies. Is that God’s plan, who knows? But it’s certainly ironic.
I guess there is theology and there is reality. There are many bold claims that Jesus made in the Bible such as, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen.” We hope it’s true because it’s in the Bible but never get to experience it in reality. After all these no-shows, do I still walk by faith and not by sight (or common sense)?
Johnny Wan is one of eight Dream Pod Members in Goldenwood’s 2022 Dream Forum. This reflection is part of Goldenwood’s #InsidetheDreamPod series.
About Johnny’s dream: My dream is to create a one-stop wealth management business that emphasizes building wealth for the poor with advanced trading algorithm that generates superior investment return. Investors no longer have to settle for low quality, low return mutual funds, or take highly risky bets themselves to get high return. They can now access high return financial products that can help them build wealth and a company that genuinely wants to help them to achieve their financial goals. Contact me on LinkedIn.