Learning to be the recipient of good things has been a life-long challenge. In fact, when good things came my way, I think I was always a little scared. Unconsciously, I feared that they would be taken away again. I know that these fears were from wounds I’ve carried since my childhood. My upbringing haunts how I see myself, which inevitably interfered with the way I pursued my dreams.
I grew up receiving messages that I wasn’t loved, appreciated, nor wanted, and this experience left its scars. I had a tendency not to listen to my internal voice or desires. I questioned whether others truly accepted me for who I was, chose relationships where I didn’t feel honored nor valued, and unconsciously chose life paths that brought about suffering because I did not have the self-love and courage to ask for something more.
This is the baggage that I brought into the Dream Forum. I was fortunate enough to have a profound experience with God during my adolescent years that brought me to where I am now – a psychologist learning how to use individuals’ spiritual resources to foster inner healing. However, my fears and insecurities have haunted me as I tried to move forward with my calling. I didn’t believe that God would want me to be happy, thriving, and joyous. Instead, I believed that I had to be “suffering” if I wanted to serve God adequately. This had gone on for so many years that I feared I was permanently changed. I feared that my happy, laughing, and joyous self was permanently gone and started wondering whether a deep sense of joy would ever be in the cards for me.
During the first Dream Forum meeting, I met my pod for the first time. Our first task was to sit in silence, ask the Holy Spirit to speak to us on each other’s behalf, and share what we received. I was shocked at the depth of insight my fellow Dreamers had regarding my current struggles and how precisely their loving words fit my pain. One shared how much God delighted in my laughter, that He was always with me, and that what was taken from me, will be given back. During this time of prayer, I was also shown beautiful imagery that filled my heart with hope – I saw myself standing in the middle of a vast huge ocean with the sun beginning to rise. This time of sharing and receiving resonated deeply with me and I began considering the possibility that good things were on the horizon for me.
A month later our family took a short trip, and on the first morning, I woke up before the sunrise and walked onto the balcony. I started staring into the beautiful ocean as I prayed. Early in my prayer time, I was suddenly struck with the memory that I had seen this same view during my first Dream Forum meeting. It was the image I saw while praying with my pod – a vast dark open with the break of dawn on the horizon. Deep inside, I believed God was communicating two messages to me. First, that He is with me – even when there are moments that I do not feel nor believe it – He is there. And second, that it’s time to start believing that there’s a new day ahead of me.
With God’s powerful intervention and the Dream Forum community, I started believing that I could be the recipient of good things in life. I started approaching my dream differently – instead of crafting a role that I did not truly enjoy; I have started aiming and structuring my role so that it can better fit who I am and the way in which God made me. I can hope for serving God in a way that motivates me, excites me, and helps me to feel like I’m “alive.” I’ve started believing that it is possible to answer God’s calling in a way where I am happy, thriving, and laughing along the way.
Elena Kim is one of eight Dream Pod Members in Goldenwood’s 2022 Dream Forum. This reflection is part of Goldenwood’s #InsidetheDreamPod series.
About Elena’s dream: My dream is to be one of many psychological researchers who are conducting scientific studies to support the integration of spirituality and psychotherapy. I have had the fortunate experience to study the process of clients incorporating their Christian beliefs while receiving therapy, and my hope is to further this work by examining whether spiritual, psychotherapeutic experiences can impact individuals’ well-being in a positive way. Contact me at elenakim@gmail.com.