An Antidote for Achievement

Andrew Nemr is a renowned tap dancer and one of eight Dream Pod Members in Goldenwood’s 2020-21 Dream Forum. Find out more about Andrew’s dream, Nuach: A Place of Rest, following his recent reflections for our #InsidetheDreamPod series below:

As a performing artist I’ve spent the majority of my career building things – from the most basic tap dance steps to full length shows. The process begins with dreaming. I see and hear things in my mind’s imagination, and then attempt to bring them into the realm of the seen for others to witness. However, within that context there is always an intended outcome. The step should look or sound a particular way. The show should produce a particular response from the audience. With every creative endeavor I’ve pursued there has been an underlying orientation around achievement. The spheres varied – career, provision, social and industrial success – but the orientation of achievement was the same. Set an intention, achieve the intended result.

Taking the journey with Nuach has been different. At many turns I’ve intentionally thought to interrupt my habit of setting goals for production, putting my head down, grinding, and churning out what I thought Nuach was supposed to be. I was constantly being reminded that it was this very habit that instigated the dream of Nuach in the first place. So, what does it look like to walk through a project without triggering such ingrained habits of achievement and still carry the dream well?

The greatest shift for me has come from the practice of hearing God throughout this process of dream cultivation. While I know that God cares about whether or not the things we put our hands to are good, the things I’ve heard from God haven’t been focused on that work. Rather, His words and nudges for me have been directed towards defining who I am, how He sees me, the dynamic of our relationship, and all the things He is doing for me.

I come to God with a question about my dream, and He responds with an image of me playing in a swimming pool.

What strikes me is that my habit has been so achievement-focused (even in my creative endeavors) that I am surprised by God’s words every time. I come to God with a question about Nuach, and He responds with an image of me playing in a swimming pool. His response reminds me of joys from my youth (precisely on account of swimming pools) and the context of love in which those memories were made. Further, His response encourages a shift in me as I think of how He is the provider of such a context and how that joy is available to me even now.

I had similar experiences during focused listening prayer times for others in my Dream Pod. Everything I heard for them had to do with their being, and not with the productivity of their doing. If I hadn’t realized this before, the amount God cares for the actual being of a person – the “you” that you are – is astounding. Indeed, far greater than I ever imagined. This seems even more true when compared to my own list of cares, seeing as how care for my own being has tended to drop to the bottom of that list.

Having experienced this truth, I’ve since begun to care more for myself. It’s happened organically as an overflow of how much I know and have experienced God caring for me. I find myself resisting the real temptations to skip meals or pull long hours to appease my achievement-oriented, high-producing, and recognition-achieving self-image. I find myself applying discipline in areas such as drinking enough water, preparing for sleep, and finding healthy rhythms during the course of the day. The disciplines feel light, enjoyable even, and in partnership with God. I’ve tried such things before and often failed, feeling burdened and overwhelmed in trying to get them right.

As I look back, what I have found is that God has used the Dream Forum to continue to form me.

I came into the Dream Forum thinking that the hard work would be cultivating the lessons I learned about needing rest so that I could share those with others in need – essentially, forming Nuach. In turn, Nuach would be born, and everyone would celebrate. It seemed like the right approach. But in fact, as I look back, what I have found is that God has used the Dream Forum to continue to form me. The project of Nuach, and more deeply the idea of sharing and cultivating spaces of rest, was a vehicle for deep formation to happen. Instead of me forming Nuach, God was using Nuach to form me!

While this learning doesn’t make all the challenges of stewarding a dream disappear – there are still things to do – the entire context has changed for me. On my best days, I don’t feel alone, lacking, or helpless – all things that used to have a constant home in my thoughts. Now, I just have to remember what God has already done, and keep listening to His voice for continued insight.

About Andrew’s Dream: Artists are susceptible to a particular kind of burn out. Their craft, practice, and production can be tied so closely to their identity that when one is burnt, so is the other. In moments of existential crises, they need a place of rest and renewal. Most retreat spaces for artists come with a prerequisite to produce. That is not rest. True rest would allow them space from the pressures of being a freelance creator. It would renew their relationship with their craft. Rest would remind them of their original purpose as image bearers. It would refresh their inspiration. But where would an Artist go to receive such rest? Nuach (the Hebrew word for rest) will be that place. Contact me at: nuach@andrewnemr.com