My struggle with anxiety
I had just landed (what I thought was) my dream job doing product marketing at LinkedIn. However, a few weeks into the new job, anxiety set in. I had never done product marketing before and felt I needed to prove to my manager and coworkers that I was capable. I worked until the wee hours of the morning to impress everyone with my energy and work ethic.
Then insomnia hit. I’d lie awake in bed thinking about work. Was I outspoken enough in that meeting? Will they discover that I didn’t really know what I was doing? Will I ever get a promotion or will the potential for a promotion implode, like it did in my first job?
While I had achieved worldly success – working in a prestigious, well-paid, and even meaningful Silicon Valley tech job – physically and mentally, I was falling apart.
I decided to do something about my mental health. I got a therapist. I started practicing meditation regularly. I stopped working on the weekends. The insomnia went away, thankfully. But I still lived in a state of mild anxiety most of the time.
Fast forward a few years. I gave birth to our first child the day San Francisco went into pandemic lockdown. We isolated ourselves stringently because the baby was vulnerable. My husband, an urgent care doctor, was required to work in a Covid clinic before there were vaccines. To be safe, he lived in a separate room in our home for a while. Travel bans were imposed by the US government, so our parents had to cancel their flights just as we needed their help taking care of our newborn. All these things intensified the feelings of loneliness and exhaustion we faced as new parents.
I worried I’d slip into postpartum anxiety (PPA) because of all these external pressures. Plus, people who have had anxiety before are more prone to getting PPA. I decided to do whatever it took to prevent that.
I practiced yoga and stretching daily. I kept a daily gratitude journal. For social support, I joined a virtual group made up of other women who had become first-time moms during the pandemic. I returned to doing meditation and therapy.
Best of all, I picked up a book recommended to me by a friend, called The Artist’s Way. Every day, I did the book’s exercises that were designed to unlock your creativity. This activity turned out to be the most fun and fulfilling part of my postpartum days. I believe this was a big reason I was able to completely avoid postpartum anxiety.
I thought to myself, why couldn’t something like this exist, but for mental health?
My new calling
Upon returning to work as a new mom, I realized my original vocational vision of helping people find jobs they loved wasn’t something I loved doing anymore. And taking time away from my son for an unfulfilling job was leading to burnout, which was beginning to negatively affect my parenting.
I decided to go on a three-day silent retreat at a monastery to discern what I truly wanted out of my career, and to listen for God’s voice.
During those 3 days in a monk’s cell overlooking misty ocean cliffs, I wrestled with my long-held desire to start my own business – where did it come from? What if my motives weren’t 100% pure? What if it failed, in worldly terms?
I received quiet assurance that whether I stayed at LinkedIn or left, whether I had pure motives or not, whether I succeeded or failed – I would be okay. There would be grace, and God would be with me wherever the journey led.
The day I got back from the retreat, I submitted my two-week’s notice to resign, and took a leap of faith into the unknown.
In the first few months after quitting, I reconnected with an old friend and now co-founder. We began to dream, blue sky, about what we wanted to create together. We prayed for wisdom and for an idea we were excited about, that would benefit us and others, and had potential for making money.
We landed on creating something to help people with their mental health. I had a strong desire for my work to help me become a better mom, not a burnt out one.
Rather than being driven by the fear of failure or the desire to outshine others, I’ve learned to embrace motherhood as a gift that can motivate and shape my deepest career ambitions. In particular, becoming a mom has helped me understand God’s Fatherly love and creativity in new ways. Just as God parents us, I’ve learned how to protect our idea, while giving it room to grow. I’ve learned how to accept the weaknesses of our idea, while also discovering and cultivating its unique strengths.
The last nine months of working with my co-founder has been a time of reliving the miraculous act of giving birth – this time not to a baby, but to an idea. At first, nothing was visible – only the nauseating discomfort of vocational dissatisfaction and the pregnant possibility of new desires. Then, there was an embryonic idea so fragile that we didn’t tell anyone about its existence, lest it die. Next, there was growth and pain and more growth. Today, there is eager anticipation for the birth of our idea, not only among ourselves, but also among our village of friends, family, fellow founders, and believers. It is a birth we can’t force, but will receive with joy in its due time.
How my journey led to the creation of the Well (beta)
My co-founder and I share the dream of helping people cultivate healthy mental well-being habits. Our idea is to do this through a new mental health product we’ve named Well.
Like me, over half of Americans wrestle with anxiety, depression, and other forms of mental distress – and those numbers only worsened during the pandemic. Even if you’re in therapy or reading a lot of self-help content, it can still be hard to figure out how to apply it all to your life.
Unlike meditation and journaling apps, Well (Beta) helps you translate knowledge into skills and behaviors that can improve your mental health. We’ve created a library of research-inspired exercises focused on emotional growth, recharging, and connection – and broken things down into small steps that over time can lead to big changes.
It’s not meant to be another item on your to-do list, so much as a gentle nudge to take care of your mental well-being regularly – just like you would with your sleep, diet, or exercise.
Sign-up for the Well (beta) today
We’re excited to announce that sign-ups for the free Well (Beta) are now open 🎉
When you sign up, you’ll get access to:
- Our free Well (Beta), coming soon (we’re just putting the final touches on the product).
- Highlights of the mental health research that will be featured in the product.
- Opportunities to share your feedback via short polls, and help us create a product you’ll love.
If you are struggling with your mental health or are simply looking for ways to apply mental health knowledge to your day-to-day life, you can signup for our free Well (Beta) here: https://signup.bewell.garden
Esther Lee Cruz is one of eight Dream Pod Members in Goldenwood’s 2022 Dream Forum. This reflection is part of Goldenwood’s #InsidetheDreamPod series.
About Esther’s dream: Half of Americans are emotionally distressed. However, most therapists and mental health apps don’t use evidence-based methods. And schools don’t consistently teach emotional skills. I’ve also struggled with anxiety. After trying therapy, sleep and meditation apps, I still couldn’t find anything to learn the emotional skills proven by research to decrease distress and increase flourishing. My dream is to create a mobile app that makes these skills and research more accessible. It teaches well-being skills in just a few minutes a day through exercises co-created with therapists. I’m excited to help people develop skills for healing and thriving. Contact me at DeborahEstherKC@gmail.com